(My Journal)
Thursday, Sept. 15th-
The most important day of my life. I was scared to death to be put to sleep for the C-section. I just knew when I woke up everyone would be crying saying she didn't make it. My baby girl was much stronger than that. At this point I'm not sure where she gets it from cause this whole process is breaking my heart. She was 2 pounds and 5 ounces, 14 inches long. She was preemie but perfect! I just kept telling myself to let God do his work but in the back of my mind I was mad he was making my baby girl go through all of this. I felt guilty that my body wasn't capable of carrying her longer. She was about 10 weeks early...
Friday, Sept. 16th-
Waking up and knowing she was right down the hall was not as assuring as I had pictured. Matthew loves to go down and check on her but seeing her and not being able to hold her is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do. Lots of friends and family came but my memory is a little foggy so I barely remember who came. Linlee has dropped just a little in weight which was to be expected. Things are getting a little easier for me.
Saturday, Sept. 17th-
I feel terrible that I am in the hospital on Lacey's birthday. I got up early and sent her a picture of Linlee saying Happy Birthday. The nurses had washed her hair which made her look so much better. She had another small weight loss and is now 2 pounds and 1 ounce. Today they put her under the jaundice light. It didn't bother me that much, cause a lot of babies have to do that. Seeing her with the little eye mask did upset me though. I tried to be strong. She still looked beautiful!
(Linlee; under the jaundice light)
Sunday, Sept. 18th-
It is only 8:00 but I have already went and checked on Linlee at 6:30 this morning. She is digesting her pedialight now which is great and will help her to grow faster. Her new thing is making spit bubbles with her mouth. She sleeps so hard, I love to watch her. Her little monkey hands are constantly moving, jumping and grabbing. Tomorrow is going to be the hardest day of my life. It will be time for me to go home. I trust these nurses with all my heart but I still don't know how I will find the courage to walk out of this hospital. I have cried all morning thinking about it. I shouldn't be acting this way but my heart literally burns. Not being just a few steps away each day and night is going to break me down. I pray I get stronger with each day. How will I ever be able to tell this little girl how much she means to me? There are just no words to show her and that will be hard one day too.
Monday, Sept. 19th-
I went to see Linlee one last time before I leave the hospital. When I went in, there was a new nurse. She could some how tell right away that I was about to have to go home. She did the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. She let me hold my baby girl, basically for the first time! It was only a quick minute but that moment will last forever in my heart. I kissed her forehead and held her up for Matthew to kiss. I didn't cry at all leaving because I felt a new closeness with Linlee. :)
(Linlee 2.2lbs; September 19th)
