Coming HOME :)

 Beginning of November 2011-

We knew at this point all we needed was for Linlee to go 24 hours without a heart rate drop. This shouldn't be a problem considering she never has them. Of course, that is when they started to occur. She would have 1 in a 24 hr period and the 24 hours would start over. That didn't happen much but I do know it was very discouraging. FINALLY on November 12th 2011 our sweet girl was ready. Matthew and I chose to go alone to pick her up. Even though every family member from Moms to cousins though they would get to come with us. lol

Having Linlee and bringing her home took a toll on my life. For the past 3 maybe 4 years I have struggled with anxiety. I felt like Linlee was my world, my meaning, and no one else mattered. That attitude caused great problems with Matthew and I. I still can't honestly say I regret acting the way I did. I almost lost my beautiful baby girl. If I wanted to sleep in the living room, just me and her.. I was going to do it! These emotions were in full swing the day we brought her home. We had a huge fight that morning and didn't even speak on the way to get her. I don't remember why I felt the way I did but it was almost like I resented him for no reason. Maybe I could see the future and what was ahead for us as a "family". :/

Anyway, we got to the hospital, parked the car and raced to the elevator. When we were walking down the long hall towards the NICU Matthew grabbed my hand and said "I can't believe this is the last time we will have to walk this hallway." We suited up (wash hands, put on gown) and went in to dress our girl in her "coming home" out fit. We waited for instructions and discharge info. A lady came out and said Linlee lacked one more shot and it would possibly cause fever and HR drops. "Umm okay, so we can't take her?!" I was about to go off on somebody! She said it would be our choice, we could leave her for 12 more hours or just hope for the best reaction to the shot. SEE YA LADY!

More Journal Entries...

*Monday, October 3, 2011

Our princess is still doing great. She is now 2lbs 11 oz. Over the weekend we were visiting with her and ended up getting to hold her 2 days in a row! It was so sweet seeing Matthew hold her for the first time. He kept saying "I'm so happy" over and over. Today, Mommy and Linlee had mother/daughter time. I went to the hospital by myself and just talked to her awhile. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. If she keeps gaining an ounce a day she will be 4 pounds by the end of this month. ***Editors note: She was over 4lbs by the end of October. God is so good!***

*Saturday, October 8th, 2011

Linlee has improved more than ever over the past week. She is now 3lbs!!! On Thursday they had to give her 14cc's of blood but that is to be expected with them drawing blood so much. As of today she is taking 22cc's of milk and tolerating it well. Two more great things have happened: She is no longer getting oxygen and they have discontinued her IV fluids. While we were with her last night she was sucking on her feeding tube. In the next few weeks she will be ready to try a bottle. Thank you Lord!

(holding my little munchkin)

*Sunday, October 16, 2011

Things have been pretty much the same with Linlee. She has gained around an ounce a day is now up to 3 lbs and 8 oz. She is doing so good. Yesterday, she started bottle feeding. She takes all the milk from the bottle unless she is tired then we use the g-tube for the rest. Four pounds, here we come!!

*Sunday, October 23, 2011

Linlee has had 0 heart rate drops. A nurse told me she would be in a crib(and out of the "box") very soon. Friday night, she took a whole bottle for me. She hasn't been able to do a whole bottle every time but she at least does half. I feel like this whole process is getting faster and faster. I can't wait to get the call to bring her home. Today, she is FOUR lbs!! She is growing so good. Hopefully within the next week we will get a NICU open crib. After that, all she has to do is take a full bottle all day long by herself.

*October 27, 2011

Today, Linlee is 4lbs and 6oz. She has been on air temp for 3 days. (maintaining her own temp) She takes most of her feedings by bottle but still having to use the tube on occasion. She has come such a long way. We get to hold her more now and it is a great feeling. She smiled a lot but we can't ever catch it on camera. lol I will admit, I am starting to get a little depressed with all of this. I want her home so bad! :(

 

(I loved feeding her, it made me feel like a mommy)

 

(October 24th.. sleeping angel) 

 

(Happy Halloween from the NICU, Linlee, & her PawPaw)

 

(Our first Halloween with miss priss) 

 

(Mommy dressed up as a trucker & Linlee as a princess of course) 

________________________________________________________________________________

 

Everyone that knows me knows how close my sister and I have become. When we were little I used to think "Gosh, this chick is mean!". Now I couldn't thank the Lord enough for blessing me with such a great role model and sister. NICU rules are that only parents and grandparents can visit. I remember one day my sweet clueless daddy said, Lacey can have my turn. I loved seeing the love in my dads eyes when we went back together. Those visits meant the world to him and he was willing to give one up for Lacey. That alone shows a parents unconditional love. Anyway, it was one of the hardest things I dealt with during are NICU time. Now I love everyone, but besides my mom (and now linlee) no one has my heart like Lacey Hightower. (She married and I had the baby, that's the line I always use). There were days Lacey would cry knowing she had a niece in the world and not being able to see her. I prayed Lord please give her patience. An emotional day for us all, and a day she and I will never forget.... the first time she laid hands on her "precious"....

 

(Aunt Lacey & Linlee; November 2, 2011)

September 20th Tuesday-
I called to check on Linlee first thing this morning. She had no heart rate drops through out the night. She is back down to 2.1 pounds but that is soon to change. Mom and I are heading up there to see her soon and Matthew will go tonight. She is also better with her jaundice so she is not under the light anymore.
We just got back from visiting our preemie princess. She is looking so great. I fed her 2cc's of Enfamil for her first time. She will be getting a PICC line in the next few days. :'(

September 21st Wednesday-
Today has been a great day! I did something I never thought I would do. I pumped Linlee some breast milk! It wasn't bad at all and she digested it well. I hope this helps her to grow faster. Also, the nurse that had her today let me hold her, like actually hold her for our first picture together! It was the best moment and I will cherish it until I see her again. I love that child so much. She is back under the jaundice lamp but still doing good. She will just never know how much we all feel for her.

 

September 22nd Thursday-

Happy one week birthday to our sweet baby girl. She is up to 2.2 pounds today. Something amazing happens each and every day. Today, Lacey took me to see the baby and the head nurse let Lacey go back with me for a minute. It meant so much to me, and I hope it helps her to cope with not being able to see Linlee. She is still under the light but I think it is just a precaution thing now. All of the nurses say she sure can pitch a fit! I can not wait to bring her home and experience her fits myself. **Editors note: YES, I REGRET EVER WRITING THAT! :) She needs a spanky so bad!** She is looking better every day. Once week down until we can bring her home!

September 23rd Friday-

Baby Linlee was still 2.2 but gained 2 grams. Bless her heart, I can't help but be proud of her. Our favorite nurse, Jennifer was working today so Matthew and I enjoyed our time there. She explains a lot and just seems to know the right thing to say. Linlee is taking 5 cc's of Enfamil at each feeding now. She is no longer under the light so we can see her little face again. 

September 24th Saturday-

Today was not so great. This morning Linlee's nurse called asking for consent to give her 10 cc's of blood due to her levels being low. This afternoon the nurse practitioner tried to do a PICC line and was unsuccessful. Matthew and I had a very hard time with it. I know she is so sick of being stuck and poked with needles. They will have to try the line again tomorrow. She is up to 2.3 and everything else seems good. She wasn't crying after the procedure so we stayed a few hours. She got 5 cc's of Mama's milk! :)

September 25th Sunday- 

Finally they got the PICC line in on the first try! I feel so much better knowing they didn't have to poke her several times. She is only one ounce away from her birth weight now meaning she is 2.4 pounds. We didn't get to go visit today because my body and mind are exhausted. I feel terrible I knew what an emotional day it would be with the PICC line and all. I just spoke with the night time nurse and she says we should be able to hold her for a few minutes tomorrow. I hope she is right! 

September 26th Monday- 

Today was my first day back to work. It went pretty good except for missing Linlee but that's everyday! She is back under the light but up to 7 cc's of milk. Since I skipped yesterday she looked very different. She seems more plump, even thought she didn't gain today. Thought we might get to hold her too but no such luck. She has the sweetest facial expressions. When we touch her she makes this "leave me alone" face. Bless her. 

September 27th Tuesday-

Praise the Lord! Linlee is back to her birth weight. Her only problem today is she has not had a good bowel movement so they are giving her something to help. She has so much personality to be so little. I can't express how grateful I am for all of our friends, family, and facebook friends through out this whole experience. We have been overwhelmed with prayers and that plus our little girls strong heart has gotten us a long way in just 2 weeks. 

September 29th Thursday-

Miss Linlee Nicole weighs 2.7 pounds today. We took off work and spent a while at the hospital this afternoon. She was wide awake. :) We loved it! She was so good, we talked and videoed the whole time. Her feedings are up to 10cc's which is a huge step. I couldn't make myself leave until she was sound asleep. So I leaned down so she could hear and hummed random songs until she fell asleep. Love her!

September 30th Friday-

God is so good! Linlee is 2.9 pounds. That little gal is just determined. They even weighed her after a big #2! The nurse asked if we wanted to bathe her and of course I said yes cause it involved holding her. We both got a turn to hold her for about 10 minutes. She got so comfortable one time they had to bump up her oxygen level. She is such a miracle. Her feedings are 13 cc's now!!!

 

Mommy & Linlee

September 30, 2011

My Journal Entries...

(My Journal)

Thursday, Sept. 15th-
The most important day of my life. I was scared to death to be put to sleep for the C-section. I just knew when I woke up everyone would be crying saying she didn't make it. My baby girl was much stronger than that. At this point I'm not sure where she gets it from cause this whole process is breaking my heart. She was 2 pounds and 5 ounces, 14 inches long. She was preemie but perfect! I just kept telling myself to let God do his work but in the back of my mind I was mad he was making my baby girl go through all of this. I felt guilty that my body wasn't capable of carrying her longer. She was about 10 weeks early...

Friday, Sept. 16th-
Waking up and knowing she was right down the hall was not as assuring as I had pictured. Matthew loves to go down and check on her but seeing her and not being able to hold her is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do. Lots of friends and family came but my memory is a little foggy so I barely remember who came. Linlee has dropped just a little in weight which was to be expected. Things are getting a little easier for me.

Saturday, Sept. 17th-
I feel terrible that I am in the hospital on Lacey's birthday. I got up early and sent her a picture of Linlee saying Happy Birthday. The nurses had washed her hair which made her look so much better. She had another small weight loss and is now 2 pounds and 1 ounce. Today they put her under the jaundice light. It didn't bother me that much, cause a lot of babies have to do that. Seeing her with the little eye mask did upset me though. I tried to be strong. She still looked beautiful!

(Linlee; under the jaundice light)

Sunday, Sept. 18th-

It is only 8:00 but I have already went and checked on Linlee at 6:30 this morning. She is digesting her pedialight now which is great and will help her to grow faster. Her new thing is making spit bubbles with her mouth. She sleeps so hard, I love to watch her. Her little monkey hands are constantly moving, jumping and grabbing. Tomorrow is going to be the hardest day of my life. It will be time for me to go home. I trust these nurses with all my heart but I still don't know how I will find the courage to walk out of this hospital. I have cried all morning thinking about it. I shouldn't be acting this way but my heart literally burns. Not being just a few steps away each day and night is going to break me down. I pray I get stronger with each day. How will I ever be able to tell this little girl how much she means to me? There are just no words to show her and that will be hard one day too. 

Monday, Sept. 19th-

I went to see Linlee one last time before I leave the hospital. When I went in, there was a new nurse. She could some how tell right away that I was about to have to go home.  She did the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. She let me hold my baby girl, basically for the first time! It was only a quick minute but that moment will last forever in my heart. I kissed her forehead and held her up for Matthew to kiss. I didn't cry at all leaving because I felt a new closeness with Linlee. :) 

 

(Linlee 2.2lbs; September 19th)

Finding out...September 15

On September 14th around 2am I woke up in terrible pain. Almost 30 weeks pregnant, it was nothing new for me to wake up hurting. My only alternative was a hot bath. While soaking in the tub my sweet mommy came in to check on me. I told her something she and I will never forget, I felt like I was terminally ill. Not knowing at the time, I technically was becoming terminally ill. That next day, I came to work still in major pain. Having kidney stones before, I would say the pain was right on that level. I called mom, who was also at work, to come get me. I had no other choice but to get to the ER. By the time she finally got to me, I was basically blacking out in pain. My stomach, sides, and back were just overcome with pressure/pain. They immediately admitted me to the hospital and begin running test and hooking me up to monitors. Bear with me cause the next few days, even weeks are blurry for me. Through out the night, I remember them waking me up and putting an oxygen mask on me. Apparently, the baby and I needed more oxygen... this made me realize how serious things were becoming. Me, Mom, and Matthew all woke up early that morning (who can sleep late at a hospital anyway). 

The doctor came in first thing, around 6:30 or 7 I think. She sat on the bed with me and didn't hold back not one bit. She began to explain that after reviewing the monitors from the night before she would need to do an emergency C-section in an hour. I just remember crying. Definitely another "black out" moment. I had 10 whole weeks left, I didn't even know it was possible to delivery a baby that soon. Some people may not believe me, but never once did I think, what if she was early. All these people came to talk to me about what was fixing to happen. Nurses from the NICU coming to explain what she would go through once she was delivered. It was terrible, absolutely terrible! All I could think about was "I'm going to wake up from surgery and everyone would be crying cause we lost her". Never once did my own life flash before my eyes. Only my little miracle. That's something ONLY a mother can understand. No one could be in surgery with me so I talked to the nurses and other people helping with my c-section for what seemed like years. 

Once I woke up, I was so out of it. Mom says I kept asking, "how much does she weigh" over and over. All I really remember is people standing EVERYWHERE! This is mid morning on a work day, mind you. I didn't know  I knew so many people. Most people would say the feeling they had that day was something they would never forget. I was the complete opposite. I lacked any emotion or feeling what so ever. I couldn't feel anything. I was numb. I am sure someone showed me a picture of her at this point but I never even remember thinking about wanting to see her. I was still trying to figure out what had just happened I guess. Matthew says I didn't see Linlee that first day but I am pretty sure I did because I have a picture on my phone of her on the ventilator. She was only on the vent for 9-12 hours. It took me days to get normal again. Once I snapped out of it, I was making my way to that NICU as often as I could. She was the sweetest little thing. One thing I can't stand is that Lacey, or anyone for that matter will never understand just how small that angel was lying there. I begged God to let her live. I pleaded everything I could think of with him to keep her safe and healthy. It took me a long to realize all I needed to do was pray that he would give me strength instead of begging for her life. I still have to remind myself not to "beg" just simply pray for understanding, strength, ect. 

People would see pictures on facebook or whatever and say "oh, she is so cute." I was thinking, not really, she looks like a rat to me. Bless her bones, she was the cutest rat I have ever laid eyes on. For a long time, I felt like I had given my baby up for adoption. When your in the NICU you do not have control over anything for your child. The machines help her stay alive, the nurses bathe, feed, and check on her. It's like I had these motherly instincts and no child to use them on. Watching her monitor go off (lack of oxygen or something of that nature) and this woman who didn't have any help in conceiving her run over to her rescue was like a knife in the heart every time. It's like watching someone else spank your child, it's just not their place. If I could give someone one piece of advice, I guess that would be it. Don't feel anger towards the nurses, cause I promise they are the healing hands. Not the doctors. I kept a daily journal for a few weeks after she was born (kudos to Krystle Hyche). The next blog will be from the journal! :)