Finding out...September 15

On September 14th around 2am I woke up in terrible pain. Almost 30 weeks pregnant, it was nothing new for me to wake up hurting. My only alternative was a hot bath. While soaking in the tub my sweet mommy came in to check on me. I told her something she and I will never forget, I felt like I was terminally ill. Not knowing at the time, I technically was becoming terminally ill. That next day, I came to work still in major pain. Having kidney stones before, I would say the pain was right on that level. I called mom, who was also at work, to come get me. I had no other choice but to get to the ER. By the time she finally got to me, I was basically blacking out in pain. My stomach, sides, and back were just overcome with pressure/pain. They immediately admitted me to the hospital and begin running test and hooking me up to monitors. Bear with me cause the next few days, even weeks are blurry for me. Through out the night, I remember them waking me up and putting an oxygen mask on me. Apparently, the baby and I needed more oxygen... this made me realize how serious things were becoming. Me, Mom, and Matthew all woke up early that morning (who can sleep late at a hospital anyway). 

The doctor came in first thing, around 6:30 or 7 I think. She sat on the bed with me and didn't hold back not one bit. She began to explain that after reviewing the monitors from the night before she would need to do an emergency C-section in an hour. I just remember crying. Definitely another "black out" moment. I had 10 whole weeks left, I didn't even know it was possible to delivery a baby that soon. Some people may not believe me, but never once did I think, what if she was early. All these people came to talk to me about what was fixing to happen. Nurses from the NICU coming to explain what she would go through once she was delivered. It was terrible, absolutely terrible! All I could think about was "I'm going to wake up from surgery and everyone would be crying cause we lost her". Never once did my own life flash before my eyes. Only my little miracle. That's something ONLY a mother can understand. No one could be in surgery with me so I talked to the nurses and other people helping with my c-section for what seemed like years. 

Once I woke up, I was so out of it. Mom says I kept asking, "how much does she weigh" over and over. All I really remember is people standing EVERYWHERE! This is mid morning on a work day, mind you. I didn't know  I knew so many people. Most people would say the feeling they had that day was something they would never forget. I was the complete opposite. I lacked any emotion or feeling what so ever. I couldn't feel anything. I was numb. I am sure someone showed me a picture of her at this point but I never even remember thinking about wanting to see her. I was still trying to figure out what had just happened I guess. Matthew says I didn't see Linlee that first day but I am pretty sure I did because I have a picture on my phone of her on the ventilator. She was only on the vent for 9-12 hours. It took me days to get normal again. Once I snapped out of it, I was making my way to that NICU as often as I could. She was the sweetest little thing. One thing I can't stand is that Lacey, or anyone for that matter will never understand just how small that angel was lying there. I begged God to let her live. I pleaded everything I could think of with him to keep her safe and healthy. It took me a long to realize all I needed to do was pray that he would give me strength instead of begging for her life. I still have to remind myself not to "beg" just simply pray for understanding, strength, ect. 

People would see pictures on facebook or whatever and say "oh, she is so cute." I was thinking, not really, she looks like a rat to me. Bless her bones, she was the cutest rat I have ever laid eyes on. For a long time, I felt like I had given my baby up for adoption. When your in the NICU you do not have control over anything for your child. The machines help her stay alive, the nurses bathe, feed, and check on her. It's like I had these motherly instincts and no child to use them on. Watching her monitor go off (lack of oxygen or something of that nature) and this woman who didn't have any help in conceiving her run over to her rescue was like a knife in the heart every time. It's like watching someone else spank your child, it's just not their place. If I could give someone one piece of advice, I guess that would be it. Don't feel anger towards the nurses, cause I promise they are the healing hands. Not the doctors. I kept a daily journal for a few weeks after she was born (kudos to Krystle Hyche). The next blog will be from the journal! :)